old and boring

Malam ini, mendadak gw kepikiran hal-hal yg suka gw lakuin beberapa tahun yang lalu. Waktu ngelakuinnya dulu sih terasa biasa-biasa aja, bahkan sama sekali ga kebayang kalo suatu hari gw akan menengok ke belakang dan merindukan itu semua.

Gw kangennn nyetir malem2 muter-muter Bandung sendirian, tanpa tujuan dan sengaja nyasar-nyasar dan ujungnya justru bikin gw makin ngerti jalan. Ke Lembang pagi-pagi buta cuma buat minum yoghurt, atau tengah malem jalan kaki nyusruk2 di kebun tomat (lagi-lagi di Lembang) cuma biar dapet spot yg bagus buat ngeliatin bintang.. Main kembang api di lapangan Gasibu, bertingkah konyol seolah-olah ga punya beban.. Jemput temen gw di kost-nya jam 4 pagi cuma ngajakin minum kopi aceh sambil ngobrol2 ngalor-ngidul.. 'Kabur' dari rumah abis subuh ke Ancol, duduk di pinggir pantai, belum mandi, sendirian sambil makan kentang goreng dan ngeliatin orang2 jogging.. Nyetir dari airport menuju rumah dan somehow ended up di Taman Safari (ha!).. Dan masih banyak tindakan-tindakan sejenis yang dulu biasa gw lakuin.. Kangen kangen kangenn!!! Kangen itu semua!

The point is: I miss being impulsive! When I look back at that time of my life, I remember how impulsive and spontaneous I used to be. Somehow I think I still am, deep deep down inside. Like it or not, as I grow older and gain more responsibilities, it gets harder and harder to be impulsive, to be reckless and do those spur-of-the-moment kind of things. Too many things and/or people to consider, too many priorities have got to come first, hence too many crazily impulsive "ideas" to put aside. *sigh*

I hate the fact that now I'm just plain old and boring. Ack!

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menangislah!

Sometimes in order to help He makes us cry

Happy the eye that sheds tears for His sake

Fortunate the heart that burns for His sake

Laughter always follow tears

Blessed are those who understand

Life blossoms wherever water flows

Where tears are shed divine mercy is shown

[Jalaluddin Rumi]

question marks

Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us?

If you could go back and change one thing about your life, would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart? Or break the heart of another? Or would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment? One moment, that you've always wanted back.

The Comet

The girl saw the comet and she felt as though her life had meaning. And when it went away, she waited her entire life for it to come back to her. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to her life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn't understand, and sometimes she walked among them. But even in her darkest hours, she knew in her heart that someday it would return to her, and her world would be whole again.. And her belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in her heart.

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kangen kamu.. :'(

Wonder if this constant aching pain in my heart is ever gonna go away.

I miss him.

Terribly.

It hurts when I think. It hurts when I breathe. It hurts when I talk. It hurts when I cry. It hurts when I walk. It hurts when I'm surrounded by other people. It hurts when I laugh out loud. It hurts when I pretend to be all fine. It hurts when I try to sleep. It hurts when I wake up. It hurts when I stand still. It hurts when I'm alone. It hurts when I write. It hurts when I keep silent. It hurts when I run. It hurts when I fake a smile.

GOD!

I miss him so much.

I don't even care if this post makes me look like a stupid dramatic teenage girl.

the same deep water as you

I've been re-watching early seasons of One Tree Hill these past few weeks.. And there's this one episode in season 4 where Brooke broke up with Lucas for good.. I don't know why, but I find the lines rather heartfelt..

BROOKE: "Listen, I know it’s been difficult for you lately, losing Keith and your heart condition and giving up basketball.. I feel like I’ve been keeping you close to me to try to protect you from those things.. like I’m hanging on to the two of us for you..but not for me."

LUCAS: "I’m sorry I kissed Peyton.. I should’ve told you."

BROOKE: "It’s not about that, Luke.. It’s not.. I thought that it was but this is not about her this is about me.. I love you, Lucas and I probably always will.. But we go days without having a meaningful conversation.. and I used to miss you so much when that happened.. But it never seemed like you missed me and I guess because of it I stopped missing you.. I mean, look at today.."

LUCAS: (v.o) I guess I should’ve said something, anything, I mean, for a guy who wants to be a writer it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written.. but when someone tells you they stopped missing you.. you’re pretty much screwed no matter what you say.

BROOKE: "There was an accident and you..called me afterwards.. But making a mix with Peyton? Sharing a laugh with Peyton.. It shouldn’t be, should it?"

BROOKE: "..shouldn’t be like this, Luke."

LUCAS: "Brooke.."

BROOKE: "I’m sorry.. I can’t do this anymore."

LUCAS: (v.o) See but there had to be something, right? Something that no one had ever said in the history of the world.. something that could change this.

LUCAS: "Brooke.. I’m sorry."

BROOKE: Yeah, me, too.

Whoa.. It breaks my heart.

Someday

It's the biggest storm in years they say.
Couldn't take a plane so I hopped a train
I'd like to stay, in a stormy winters day
so I'll come back to you someday

As the states rolled by
its all so clear
I'm everywhere but never right here
It's always the same
constant change.
But I'll come back to you someday

So close so far
so long the world
spin me away

I drive all night just to see your face
The way you touch the way you taste
Even if only for a day
I'll come back to you someday

I speak the truth its all i know
As your tears fall to the snow
and we both know
That tonight I can't say that I'll come back to you someday