Thursday, April 29, 2010

kangen kamu.. :'(


Wonder if this constant aching pain in my heart is ever gonna go away.

I miss him.

Terribly.

It hurts when I think. It hurts when I breathe. It hurts when I talk. It hurts when I cry. It hurts when I walk. It hurts when I'm surrounded by other people. It hurts when I laugh out loud. It hurts when I pretend to be all fine. It hurts when I try to sleep. It hurts when I wake up. It hurts when I stand still. It hurts when I'm alone. It hurts when I write. It hurts when I keep silent. It hurts when I run. It hurts when I fake a smile.

GOD!

I miss him so much.

I don't even care if this post makes me look like a stupid dramatic teenage girl.

Monday, April 26, 2010

the same deep water as you

I've been re-watching early seasons of One Tree Hill these past few weeks.. And there's this one episode in season 4 where Brooke broke up with Lucas for good.. I don't know why, but I find the lines rather heartfelt..

BROOKE: "Listen, I know it’s been difficult for you lately, losing Keith and your heart condition and giving up basketball.. I feel like I’ve been keeping you close to me to try to protect you from those things.. like I’m hanging on to the two of us for you..but not for me."

LUCAS: "I’m sorry I kissed Peyton.. I should’ve told you."

BROOKE: "It’s not about that, Luke.. It’s not.. I thought that it was but this is not about her this is about me.. I love you, Lucas and I probably always will.. But we go days without having a meaningful conversation.. and I used to miss you so much when that happened.. But it never seemed like you missed me and I guess because of it I stopped missing you.. I mean, look at today.."

LUCAS: (v.o) I guess I should’ve said something, anything, I mean, for a guy who wants to be a writer it suddenly seemed like no words had ever been written.. but when someone tells you they stopped missing you.. you’re pretty much screwed no matter what you say.

BROOKE: "There was an accident and you..called me afterwards.. But making a mix with Peyton? Sharing a laugh with Peyton.. It shouldn’t be, should it?"

BROOKE: "..shouldn’t be like this, Luke."

LUCAS: "Brooke.."

BROOKE: "I’m sorry.. I can’t do this anymore."

LUCAS: (v.o) See but there had to be something, right? Something that no one had ever said in the history of the world.. something that could change this.

LUCAS: "Brooke.. I’m sorry."

BROOKE: Yeah, me, too.


Whoa.. It breaks my heart.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Someday


It's the biggest storm in years they say.
Couldn't take a plane so I hopped a train
I'd like to stay, in a stormy winters day
so I'll come back to you someday

As the states rolled by
its all so clear
I'm everywhere but never right here
It's always the same
constant change.
But I'll come back to you someday

So close so far
so long the world
spin me away

I drive all night just to see your face
The way you touch the way you taste
Even if only for a day
I'll come back to you someday

I speak the truth its all i know
As your tears fall to the snow
and we both know
That tonight I can't say that I'll come back to you someday

Thursday, April 22, 2010

blast from the past

“Aku adalah perempuan yang menghitamkan pelangi, yang merubah sayap cantik kupu-kupu menjadi seonggok debu. Menghancurkan semua yang pernah kusentuh, meluruh bersama guyuran hujan. Aku adalah dosa yang membayangi kemana kaki melangkah. Menyesakkan setiap milimeter ruang dalam paru-paru yang berusaha menghirup udara. Adakah aku layak bertahan dalam hidup, yang bukan milikku, yang bukan untukku.

Pernah singgah masa dimana aku merasa merajai dunia. Melihat semua warna-warni yang pernah dibuat Sang Maha Pencipta. Meraba seluruh permukaan halus sempurna yang terpahat pada setiap sudut waktu. Ketika itu aku merasa bumi terlalu sederhana untuk dipijak. Gravitasi tidak lagi menarik hatiku karena ia dapat mengepakkan sayap nya terbang bebas, kapan saja ia mau, kemanapun ia suka. Mengapa harus memaksa kaki melangkah jika hanya dengan satu jentikan jemari aku dapat melayang ringan, menjelajahi ruang dan waktu. Mengapa harus menahan senyum saat aku bisa tertawa, terbahak-bahak memamerkan keceriaan. Mengapa harus memejamkan mata saat aku dapat terjaga memandang hamparan keindahan yang terbentang luas, tanpa batas.

Namun sungguh kesempurnaan bukan lah sesuatu yang sempurna karena ia tak dapat tergenggam selamanya. Bukan berupa gumpalan zat padat yang dapat kudekap erat dekat dengan debaran jantungku. Bukan pula cairan yang dapat kuteguk untuk selamanya mengalir dalam darah. Ia bahkan lebih ringan dari udara. Tak terlihat. Tak tergenggam. Hanya terhirup sesaat untuk kemudian terhembus pergi.

Aku telah merasakan remuk redam. Menjadi serpihan tipis yang melayang tak tertangkap oleh sepasang mata manapun. Dunia tempat kaki ini biasa berpijak seketika meluruh ke kedalaman tanpa dasar. Menyisakan lubang hitam menganga tanpa sejentik pun cahaya. Dan aku, sang serpihan tak berbentuk, terus saja melayang-layang di dalamnya. Semakin dalam. Semakin gelap. Semakin aku melawan naik, semakin jauh aku terhisap ke dalamnya. Maka kupasrahkan diriku tanpa daya. Aku berdamai dengan gelap. Aku bersahabat dengan sunyi. Dan aku meratap bersama ia yang lebih pekat dari hitam, lebih legam dari malam. Ia lah sang duka.

Sang duka mengajarkanku menangis, dan ia memperkenalkan aku pada air mata. Sungguh janggal bagiku merasakan butir-butirnya meleleh dari sudut mata, menjalari pipi, dan kemudian meninggalkan kecupan di bibirku. Kecupan yang sesekali masih terasa, meski masa datang silih berganti.”


I wish I could just erase all of those dark and painful memories. If only I could just drop them, leave them behind and never look back. But that's the thing about memories, they stay with you for as long as you live. Just like a glimpse of the beautiful ones can still make you giggle or smile goonily, a flash of the painful ones still hurts.

Monday, April 19, 2010

at the risk of being cheesy..

"Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores
you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you
still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry."


Been there, done that.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Friday, April 16, 2010

bold what applies to you, or so I was told

You like showers better than bubble baths. You cannot stand pop music. You have a sister. You are an only child. You have black hair. You have blonde hair. You have red hair. You have glasses. You wear contacts. You like TV more than movies. You don’t talk on the phone often. You like to shop. You like emo music. You are tall. You are short. You are average height. You have long hair. You have medium length hair. You have short hair. You use AIM. You use Yahoo IM. You have more than 3 pets. You like sushi. You love sushi. You are on a diet. You are currently on the second floor of your house. You have a small room. You are in high school. You have 1 little brother. You have an older brother. You are allergic to something. You have a boyfriend/girlfriend. You have a current crush. You have many crushes. You have been kissed. You have kissed another girl. You laugh a lot. You have lots of friends. You are lonely. You are depressed. You are listening to music. You are doing homework. You have school tomorrow. You are sick. You hate your teacher. You think your teacher is OK. There is drama in your school, constantly. You are wearing sweat pants. You are wearing socks. You are wearing a T-shirt. You have lost a loved one. You hate your school. You loved your school. You have been picked on. You have been yelled at. You have gotten in a fight. You have said a bad word. You shop at Abercrombie and Fitch. You play basketball. You play softball. You play baseball. You play soccer. You play football. You hate sports. You get manicures. You shop at Pac Sun. You go to the mall a lot. You are close with your family. You never fight with your parents. You have been grounded. You have driven a car. You are listening to your iPod. You are watching TV.You are watching a movie. You are listening to the radio. You are singing. You are happy. You are sad. You are blah. You are anxious. You are about to go somewhere. You haven’t been out of your house for over 3 days. Someone besides you is in the same room with you. You love your natural hair. You hate your eye color. You wish you were never been born. You write your own songs. You write books. You hate to write. You hate your hometown. You love your hometown. You are smart. You are average. You are dumb. You get good grades. You enjoy having people at your house. You love going to the movies with a lot of people. You like to go bowling with your friends. You have ice-skated before. You like popsicles. You think Vanilla is better than Chocolate.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

i don't share.......you.

Saya tidak akan membagi kamu. Tidak dengan dia, atau dia-dia lainnya. Yang saya tahu kamu milik saya, utuh. Tanpa ragu saya akan menyentil, menepis jari-jari itu, yang ingin mencuil-cuil kamu. Satu serpihan kecil pun saya tak rela membagi.

Kamu hanya untuk saya. Cuma saya. Bilang sama mereka percuma mencoba-coba. Mungkin kalau nanti kesabaran ini sudah di ujung tanduk, saya terpaksa menempelkan karton putih bertuliskan PRIVATE BELONGING OF NISA ALATTAS. Dengan spidol merah tebal, huruf kapital. Atau mungkin dengan Bahasa Indonesia saja, kalau-kalau ada yang perlu buka kamus untuk cari tahu artinya.

Ih, biar saja mereka iri dengki. Siapa suruh mata-mata jelalatan itu dipakai untuk memelototi kamu. Dengan kerongkongan turun naik menelan liur. Biar saja mereka gigit daun pintu melihat kita bersama. Biar sampai habis mereka gerogoti. Biar saja kuku-kuku tajam mereka mencakar menggaruk-garuk aspal. Saya tidak peduli. Dan kamu..ah, terlebih-lebih kamu.


Mungkin tampang saya kurang seram dan perawakan saya kurang sangar, ya? Masih saja ada yang nekat coba-coba mengganggu kamu. Mencoba mencuri kamu dari saya dengan liciknya. Sebaiknya pemilik tangan-tangan jahil itu berhati-hati, kebetulan di rumah saya banyak nyamuk menjelang musim kemarau begini. Apa hubungannya? Tentu saja raket listrik nyamuk selalu siap dalam genggaman. Walaupun pukulan backhand dan forehand saya tidak ada apa-apanya dibanding atlet tennis profesional, tapi dijamin akan cukup menyakitkan. Ditambah sengatan listriknya tentu saja.

Sudahlah. Menyerahlah mumpung belum kehilangan muka. Mau usaha seperti apapun tidak akan ada gunanya. Tidak ada yang bisa memiliki kamu selain saya. Hanya saya. Dan saya tidak suka, dan tidak mau berbagi. Mengerti?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

!!!$$###!!^##!



Have you ever woken up in the morning, all pissed off, wanted to bitch-slap and beat the crap out of someone for something they did in your dream??





Haha. I have. One too many times.





That sort of situation is usually followed by the shame of being stupid. *grin*

Saturday, April 10, 2010

(those aren't) Happy Tears

Banyak sekali berita bahagia yang dateng dari teman-teman dekat gw belakangan ini, sahabat-sahabat gw. Percaya deh, gw bersyukur dan bener-bener bahagia buat kalian. Saat gw senyum dan bilang "Selamat yaaa!!!", itu bukan cuma di bibir aja. InsyaAllah gw tulus, dari dasar hati terdalam.

Tapi tolong maafin gw, kalo begitu gw selesai bales messages kalian, atau tutup telepon kalian, gw mulai ngerasain rasa sakit yang menyesakkan di dada gw. Dan tanpa bisa gw cegah, air mata itu udah mengalir dari mata gw. Gw pengen banget bilang itu air mata bahagia. Gw pengen banget bisa bilang gitu. But I guess that would be a lie.

Gw tau semua udah ada jalannya masing-masing. Gw tau kebahagiaan dan keberhasilan kita gak bisa diukur dengan apa yang dicapai dan dilakukan orang lain. Selama hampir 25 taun gw hidup di dunia ini, rasa-rasanya gw hampir ga pernah berusaha buat meraih sesuatu cuma karena ngeliat orang lain bisa ngedapetin itu. Kalo gw berusaha keras untuk ngeraih atau ngedapetin sesuatu, biasanya karena gw emang pengen, bukan karena si A bisa begini, atau si B bisa begitu. Gw percaya setiap orang punya impian dan harapan yang berbeda-beda untuk dikejar dalam hidupnya. I'm not a competitive person, I believe those who know me will agree on this.

Tapi ini, kebahagian yang lagi menyebar merajalela di temen-temen gw akhir-akhir ini, mimpi-mimpi mereka yang lagi jadi kenyataan itu, itu mimpi gw juga!!! Itu kebahagiaan yang mati-matian gw kejar, yang setiap malam menghantui tidur gw, dan setiap saat gw minta di dalam doa-doa gw. It feels so close, yet far away at the same time. Dan meskipun gw tau semua itu udah ada waktunya masing-masing, gw ga bisa berhenti ngebatin kapan giliran gw dateng. Kapan kebahagiaan itu bisa gw rasain. Dan itulah penyebab air mata itu menetes.

Rasanya menyakitkan. Ya, menyakitkan ketika gw ngerasa orang lain kok jalannya lurus-lurus aja, gampang-gampang aja untuk dapetin kebahagiaan itu. Sementara gw, dan dia, masih harus ngelewatin rintangan yang maha dahsyat sampai entah kapan. Tentunya bodoh banget buat gw mikir kayak gitu, setiap orang pasti punya permasalahan dan cobaannya masing2 yang gw belum tentu tau, kan. Apa yang keliatan di permukaan belum tentu yang sebenarnya, dan ga ada yang bener-bener tau kecuali ya mereka sendiri yang ngejalanin.

Sabar dan ikhlas, rumus paling klise, paling susah, sekaligus paling bener buat semuanya. Ga ada yang namanya kebetulan. Semua hal yang terjadi dalam hidup kita pasti ada alesannya, dan pasti ada hikmahnya. Walaupun sabar dan ikhlas kadang-kadang bisa jadi susaaaaaahhh banget, tapi setidaknya gw terus mencoba untuk itu. Ga ada cobaan yang ga bisa diatasin, ga ada ujian yang ga bisa dilewatin. Dengan penantian dan perjuangan maha dahsyat yang harus gw, dan dia, lewatin ini, kebayang dooonggg gimana extra nya kebahagiaannya nanti!!!! Wooohoooo!!! (Hehehe.. usaha menghibur diri sendiri..=p)

Well, bukan berarti gw udah ga 'tertohok' kalo denger berita-berta bahagia itu lagi, sih. Occasional tears might still fall. Hehehe.. Tapi gw berusaha banget buat sabar dan ikhlas dengan keadaan gw saat ini. Meminjam kalimat sahabat gw yang luar biasa, gw berusaha sabar dan berusaha mengerti cara Tuhan mencintai gw. =)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Easy.. =)

by. Fatwa Firdaus Abdi

it's a long way back to the beginning developing of romancing
conversation on occasional stimulation not knowing our direction
oh who were we then to have known
ain't nothing but a head with mind of own
oh why didn't we care 'bout difference
we simply had our love as tolerance

we've had distance and time difference as a constant separation but we never need no assistance
though our hands are not together they are ready to discover every corner of our future
but why are they here to bother
they said heaven told us to find another
but no it won't stop us from lovin'
as every dreams i've had we're always on the scene

love is nothing but two souls won't mind their tolls
love is easy
love is nothing but two spirits meant to fit
love is easy

we live in hybrid era from the nano to the tera and a supraficial opera
we've got flights supersonic and we drink gin and tonic in a diverse hegemonic
but why two hearts can't be together
for an innocence of having to differ
but no it won't stop us from lovin'
we know these hearts aren't made to blow a sin




He wrote me this song. I really don't have anything left to say.. *teary-eyed*